Saturday, August 26, 2006

A Conversation with "The Watchtower".

So to continue on this "cult" theme, I've been meaning to transcribe an enlightening conversation I had earlier this year. It was on the weekend, and I was relaxing on my front stoop and enjoying a cigarette. Two middle-aged women broke away from the men they were walking with, crossed the street, and approached me. I quickly learned that they were Jehovah's Witnesses- the Watch Tower pamphlet they handed me was a red flag.

Since I was enjoying my leisure, I decided to engage them in a friendly conversation about their faith. The following is my best recollection of that interchange:

Me: So... you are out here spreading the word, eh?

JW: Yes... do you know what God has in store for you?

Me: I have a general idea... but maybe you know something I don't.

(What followed was the typical canned message these folks are instructed to deliver door-to-door. I sat, listened, and nodded, while they explained the prospects for our society. I waited for their prescription for salvation, and after I received it they invited follow-up questions. I believe they were quite oblivious to the strange turns that would follow.)

Me: Ok... I think I understand. So let me ask you something I've always wondered about... Isn't there some kind of limit on how many Witnesses will get to join heaven when the final judgement occurs?

JW: 144,000 will get to ascend into Heaven and live with Our Father.

Me: Hmm... 144,000, eh? How many Witnesses have there been?

JW: There are millions worldwide.

Me: So how do you get one of those positions?

JW: God will decide who will join Him.

Me: Does it have to do with how much witnessing you do? Is it based upon net converts, or what?

JW: God will decide. We just do our best.

Me: So let me ask you this... What if you struggled your whole life to be the best Witness you could be, but you only reached the, like,... 144,001st spot? Wouldn't that be a bummer?

JW: Actually, no... because those who have accepted the Word, and are not among those chosen for Heaven, get to live on a Paradise on Earth.

Me: Hmm... so why would you want to go to heaven?

JW: It's a great honor to be chosen. Those who Ascend will live with God and...

Me: OK, OK... I get it. Tell me more about paradise on Earth. I mean... I really like smoking cigarettes and having a beer every once in awhile. Will I be able to do these things without health risks?

JW: Well no... God wants you to treat your body as a Temple. You will have no urge for these chemicals anymore.

Me: Really? Well... what about sex? I like sex. Will that be OK? I surely won't have to give that up? I mean... that wouldn't be paradise, right? Without sex?

JW: As long as it is within the bounds of a Loving Commited Spiritual Union, then it will be acceptable. You know, God wouldn't have made sex so enjoyable if He didn't want it to happen.

Me: Alrite... I like that. Tell me more about that.

JW2: Well... have you ever seen or heard when cats be copulatin'?

Me: (I stare at the until-now silent second-witness, dumbfounded)

JW2: You know they kick up quite a racket. It sure don't sound like they be enjoyin' it much...

Understandably, I am still speechless after this remark. And I remain so, because at this point the two men, who have been hovering nearby, grab the arms of the women and drag them away. I recover... and call after them my gratitude, and they acknowledge me with a dismissive wave. I am now in the position of having driven away a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses. I wonder what my reward will be for this during "Final Judgement".

Do I get a backstage pass, or what?


Anonymous jefg said...

One of the funniest things I've read in awhile. Had MK and I laughing outloud. I hope for that woman's sake, God is not a cat lover, or she'll drop a few 100,000 positions. So much more I'd like to say here, but there's someone at the door. Wait...I might need a quarter. Be back later.

5:11 PM  
Blogger Dagrims said...

Awesome post - just got the chance to read it.

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


This website summarizes 300 United States court cases and lawsuits affecting children of Jehovah's Witnesses, including dozens of cases where the Parents refused to consent to life-saving blood transfusions:


This website summarizes 160 United States court cases and lawsuits filed by Jehovah's Witnesses against Employers:


9:23 AM  

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