Thursday, December 07, 2006

Nifty Gift-Giving Idea.

As you well know, the Holiday shopping season is upon us. Are you confounded by a particularly finicky family member or friend? Are you wondering what to get for the modern gentleman that has virtually everything? Look no further friends... it's the NukAlert Personal Radiation Monitor (and Keychain)! You too can find the radiation-treatment patient in a crowd. Thanks to the Homeland Security Department, these devices are now priced for home use. For a mere $160, you can purchase peace-of-mind, and a very hip stocking stuffer. Hell... buy two and save a total of $30 on the discount.

(Listen... I understand that the world has changed in our post-9-11 era. I'm aware that there are pesky "freedom-haters" lurking all throughout the US. I know that there is a continous flow of mayhem-seeking Mexicans flooding over our Southwest border... but c'mon now. Who, besides emergency personnel, really needs a personal radiation monitor? Yes... I realize that exurbanites nationwide are waiting for this product to appear on the shelves of their local Walmart... but we can expect that kind of madness out in the provinces. What reasonably thinking citizen sees the need for this device? What are people going to do when their personal alarm sounds? They are simply going to panic, and move about in random and haphazard ways. Are they going to abandon their SUVs when they get the call while sitting in traffic? Will they be wandering about distracted, with their keychains in their hands like portable geiger counters?)

Who cares?! Let the naysayers' skin peel off, while you are easing back into your lead hammock, secure in the knowledge that NukAlert is powered by a TEN-YEAR BATTERY!!!

Perhaps the perfect gift- NukAlert has the added bonus of introducing an element of nostalgia. The charming gadgets bring to mind a simpler time when we all lived free, yet faced the imminent danger of global nuclear war. Since the breakup of the Soviet Union, prospects of nuclear holocaust seem distant, and we no longer give bomb-induced worldwide armageddon much thought. How nice to be able to return to those halcyon days, with a mere glance at our house keys! Those were merely simple troubled times... before the threats of the Axis of Evil, Osama Bin Laden, and Saddam Hussein.

Nowadays, the terrorists may just bring their dirty bombs right to your front doorstep. No longer is the nightmare confined to a few continents... this time it's personal. Slip your new life-saving radiation monitor on your chain right next to your Sharper Image mini envelope-opener ... it will give you that little added bit of confidence and safety while you're sorting through the junk mail. Or keep NukAlert in your nuclear war containment kit, alongside your government-approved duct tape and plastic sheeting. You'd surely make Tom Ridge proud! And finally... like the manufacturer's website says... NukAlert isn't just your potential salvation in apocalyptic endtimes... it is Washington DC's newest status-symbol! We are truly blessed to have such enlightened leaders. Now you and your loved ones can be among the blessed as well... order NukAlert for Xmas. Only 17 shopping days left!

4 Comments:

Blogger John Morris said...

Shit, you are right. Don't buy art, buy a nuke alert for christmas

3:21 PM  
Blogger Dagrims said...

...and to think that my wife put me in charge of your gift this holiday season. What timing!

11:35 PM  
Blogger Merge Divide said...

Yes... give the gift of fear for the holidays.

8:44 PM  
Anonymous jefg99 said...

Merge, I thought giving the gift of fear was reserved for winning an election, not the holildays.

As for me, I thought about asking for one of those radios that contain no batteries, but rather work on hand-cranking power. Then I looked at my stock of AA batteries, and figured that their remaining power would outlive me in a major disaster. Nuke alert...hmmmm...does it take AA batteries?

Dagrims, it's kinda like living the 50s and 60s all over again, when I had learned to duck under a school desk if the sirens went off; but heck, now my wife didn't allow me to put in a basement. Where am I going to hide, behind the plants in the sun room?

11:32 PM  

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