Friday, March 30, 2007

Art and Ego.

One of the problematic aspects of showing my work over these last couple years is the slow accretion of ego that is beginning to plague me. This is not a revelation that I am particularly proud of having to express. When I first started exhibiting my stuff, I was naive in my firmly held belief that I would be able to keep it simple, and relish the experience without reservations. And for awhile I did. I suppose it was because of my lack of any real expectations. I'm not formally trained in photography, drawing or any other visual art. I didn't negotiate the tricky politics of an MFA program. I also didn't have to struggle to get attention. My entry into the local arts scene was facilitated by people I have known for a long time. Before I knew it, I was getting some exposure, and people were offering me opportunities to show work. It was exciting, new, and fun. The best thing was that I never had time to pause and think about it.

People have been so welcoming and affirming that it is only after a few years that my ego is becoming an issue. I somehow got the idea that my trajectory would continue in the same direction, and at the same speed. Now I am starting to realize that the realities of the art world are more complex than I had ever imagined. I wonder now how I could have ever thought that the arts were detached from all the ordinary concerns of our society. The truth is that all the regular rules seem to apply. Commodification is only the most obvious example of what I'm talking about. There are also social networking issues and viewer patterns of perception to deal with. There is a whole new set of politics to deal with. Once you put yourself out there, you are bound to the influences of a multitude of forces from all the usual subjects.

I remember thinking when I started that it was sufficient merely to have the opportunity to show my artwork. The fact that someone decided that it was worthwhile enough to display seemed validation enough. Soon after I felt like I would need to sell a piece to truly arrive as an artist. The next hurdle was having someone I didn't know buy one of my pieces. And then I wanted someone with influence in the arts community to add me to their collection. Upon meeting each goal I set the bar higher. Perhaps that is just a tragic flaw in my personality- I'm certainly not proud of it, nor would I recommend such an orientation. But it's an inescapable dimension of my personality, so I have to deal with it.

So now I have reached a certain kind of plateau. I am in among a large number of other artists that have achieved some degree of very modest success. Of course now I want to distinguish myself further. Where does all of this lead? No amount of affirmation will ever be enough. And that's disturbing because that becomes a distraction from the work itself. Lately I have found myself putting way too much thought into how to expand my reputation as an artist. This ultimately feels demeaning. I wonder how the 22-year old MFA student deals with that. I'm at least supposed to have the maturity to take a broader view.

The other night I was at the bar, and I ran into several "important" figures in the Pittsburgh arts sphere. There was a collector and an assistant curator and some wealthy patrons. I don't know any of these people to talk to. Yet I know their names, and that bothers me. I realize that, if I could make a connection with them, it could expand my ability to advance my (a)vocation. I see other artists hobnobbing with them, and browning their noses, and I realize that I would probably be doing the same thing if given the chance. That realization makes me feel small. Like anybody else, I want success to come to me on my own terms.

I'm in a strange position in that I am too old (and maybe too realistic?) to be courting art stardom, but too young to have the mature outlook to be secure in my position. I recently attended a group show curated by a friend- someone who has been instrumental in introducing me to the arts community. Instead of being able to appreciate all the fine work by the many artists that I know so well, I was preoccupied with the thought that I wasn't asked to be included. It was a terrible feeling. Am I really so small that I can't simply appreciate the achievement of my friends without having a piece of it? God, that's bleak. Ach. Who wants to be an open sore? Not me, not me.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would you make the art if you knew that nobody would ever see it? Why are you making art? Is your art enriching to others? JM

11:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like the rantings of a true artist. From an outsider: who cares? nobody would know if you were a nobody unless you told those nobodies.
adrienne

5:20 PM  
Blogger Merge Divide said...

JM,

Yeah, I was making art before I thought I'd be showing it to people. I have no problem with the "making of art". The difficulty here is clearly the business of showing it. And that's a problem I have decided to engage. As far as it being enriching- yes, I am sure it is, or I wouldn't be concerned with building an audience for it.

1:05 PM  
Blogger Merge Divide said...

adrienne,

I do realize that the issue I blogged about here is a bit cliche, and that it doesn't necessarily reflect positivity. Yet if I only wrote about things that cast cast me in a good light, I would be evading the truth (or doing P.R.).

1:07 PM  

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