Sunday, December 16, 2007

2008 Presidential Campaign Endorsements.

As we get closer and closer to the primaries, various public speakers are coming out with their endorsements for the presidential race of 2008. I'm not sure how meaningful these alliances are, but it's amusing to keep abreast of who is supporting who. Perhaps if you are on the fence about several candidates, looking at a list of their supporters may help you get some perspective. Maybe your favorite entertainer, author, pundit or another politician can help you make your decision. I decided to take a shallow look at some of the more intriguing candidates, to find out who they have gathered into their respective camps. Please excuse me if I skipped your favorite selection. *

Republicans:

Ron Paul: The Libertarian wannabe has recruited Doug Stanhope (comedian), Tucker Carlson (hack pundit), Krist Novoselic (former bassist for Nirvana), Barry Goldwater Jr., Kinky Friedman (the last of the Jewish cowboys), Lowell Weicker (ex- CT Governor and Senator) several economists, and a pair of professional wrestlers.

John McCain: The insane former Vietnam POW has managed to hook Joseph Lieberman (infamous senatorial turncoat), Samuel Brownback (Christian Right leader and Senator), Trent Lott (former Senator and Clinton nemesis), Tom Ridge (former PA Governor and secret police commander), Henry Kissinger (evil genius), Charles Schwab (investment magnate), Curt Schilling (big-mouthed MLB pitcher), and a handful of high-level advisers to Pres. Ronald Reagan.

Rudy Guliani: The profligate 9-11 opportunist has hoodwinked Adam Sandler (cheeseball comedian), Kelsey Grammar (actor and cocaine addict), John Elway (buck-toothed NFL quarterback), the dude from King of Queens, Pat Robertson (hypocritical, hate-mongering televangelist), Jeff Gordon (NASCAR driver and white trash icon), Steve Forbes (CEO of financial rag), and former politicos Tommy Thompson, Rick Perry and Pete Wilson.

Mitt Romney: The great Mormon hope has converted Paul Weyrich (founder of The Heritage Foundation- a fascist front posing as "think tank"), Ricky Schroeder ("Little Lord Fauntleroy"), Dr. John Willke (former president of National Right to Life Committee), Bob Jones III (founder of fanatical "Christian university"), Senators Bob Bennett and Orrin Hatch, and the founder of eBay.

Fred Thompson: The flat-toned actor counts among his audience George Allen (former presidential hopeful and racist Senator), The National Right to Life Committee, Senators Jim Inhofe and Lamar Alexander, and Elizabeth Cheney (wife of Darth Vadar).

Mike Huckabee: The incredibly-shrinking Arkansan is served by Jim Gilchrist (founder of the immigrant-baiting Minutemen Project), Ric Flair (platinum-blonde professional wrestler) and Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris!)


Democrats:

Hillary Clinton: The waffling former executive matron has charmed numerous Senators and Congressmen (including Chuck Schumer, Evan Bayh, Danial Inouye, Diane Feinstein), Elliot Spitzer (Governor of New York), Catherine Baker Knoll (Lt. Governor of PA), John Street (Mayor of Philadelphia), the National Organization of Women, American federation of Teachers, the National Association of Letter Carriers, Bob Vila, Barbara Streisand, Madonna, Barry Manilow, Janet Jackson, Anne Rice, John Grisham, Chevy Chase, Candice Bergen, "Babyface"., Elizabeth Taylor, Melissa Etheridge, Christie Brinkley, Rosie O'Donnell, Berry Gordy, Magic Johnson, Quincey Jones, Maya Angelou, Jenna Jameson (!), 50 Cent, The Charlotte Bobcats, Billie Jean King, Steven Spielberg, Hugh Hefner, Jerry Springer, Martha Stewart, Merle Haggard, Michael Douglas, and many of her husband's former advisers.

Barack Obama: The scourge of "whitey" has conned Senator Dick Durbin, 'soul brutha' John Conyers (Representative-MI), Tom Daschle (milquestoast), Jesse Jackson and his son, former Senator Harris Wofford, Keith Ellison (the only Muslim in Congress), Jimmy Carter's National Security Advisor, Chris Rock, Will Smith, Oprah Winfrey and the author of this very blog.

John Edwards: The elaborately-coiffed Carolinian has enamored the United Miners, the United Steelworkers, Danny Glover (Bruce Willis' colored partner), and the marginally talented Tim Robbins, Madeline Stowe and Kevin Bacon (of six degrees of... fame**).

Mike Gravel: The Democrats' answer to Ron Paul shares the wilderness with Ralph Nader.

(Note: I was going to continue with the Democratic field of candidates, but it seems Hillary has sucked most of the endorsements into her gluttonous maw.)



* Please note too that these lists are far from exhaustive. I only mentioned endorsements by figures of interest to me. My selection process is necessarily subjective.

** Which (I guess) in some ways gives Edwards the endorsement of everyone on Earth.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous jefg said...

This may be the funniest direct route to an future FBI file on an individual blogger that I've ever read. Thanks for keeping us informed.

7:42 AM  
Blogger Merge Divide said...

What'd I say? What'd I say?!

7:27 PM  

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