Extreme Motherhood.

Due to the absence of a decent independent coffeehouse in my neighborhood, I am forced to sate my caffeine jones at a corporate shop. Luckily the people that work the counter are sticklers for detail. They really seem to make a commitment to serving quality product. They are helpful, courteous, and make an effort to remember what each and every regular prefers. Every day they affix a daily horoscope to the mini-counter from which you pick up your finished drink. Another added touch is the daily trivia question. The stakes aren't very high, but it's a nice extra. If you answer correctly you get ten cents off your order. I have a weakness for trivia, and I can often elicit a laugh with an irreverent answer. Occasionally I take away something to think about for awhile after I leave.

Such was the case today. The query was, "What is the record for the most children born to a mother?" Of course this was a timely question for me. I'm aware of women who have had more than ten screaming whelps over the course of a lifetime. I figured that the typical human female has about 30-40 years to deliver kids. With this in mind, I gave an irrationally low number for my answer. I guess I was affected by the empathy I have accumulated for M. while going through this process together for the first time. It's easy to want a few children, but altogether a different reality when you consider the work that goes into bearing them. Anyway I guessed that eighteen was an inordinately high number, and was (therefore) probably a reasonable assumption.

I was actually a bit amazed to learn just how far off the correct answer I was. The barista told me that a woman had actually borne 69 offspring. I immediately wondered how this was possible, given the the limitations of individual fertility. Obviously I figured there must have been multiple births. Well, they didn't have more details for me at the shop, and so I resolved to Google the case when I got home. Indeed, between the years of 1725 and 1765, the first wife of Russian Feodor Vassilyev got pregnant 27 times. There were 16 pairs of twins, seven groups of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. Amazingly, 67 of these children survived past infancy. The striking thing about this feat is that her first name is nowhere on record. If that's not an example of the crassest sort of gender injustice, then I truly don't understand sexism.

Naturally I view this little factoid with a bit of skepticism. Surely the story is apocryphal? This couple was said to be among the peasant population of a little town called Shuya. How is it that such humble people were able to afford to feed that large a brood? Shouldn't there have been folktales and songs written about that woman? The only thing I could find out about her, besides the location and number of her children, is that she was the first wife of Feodor Vassilyev. I don't know for sure, but I would assume that she likely died from the strain on her body. Anyway, she certainly left a legacy. Imagine facing the prospect of marrying into that obligation. Perhaps our man Feodor felt a bit overwhelmed. But how was he able to convince his second wife to share his burden? And then... did the new couple have more kids? The logistics of such a family are mind-boggling.

As shocking as that whole tale is, it doesn't compare to another case I read about while researching "extreme motherhood". This one is particularly disturbing. On May 14th, 1939, the Peruvian Lina Medina gave birth to to a six pound boy named Gerardo (after the doctor that delivered him). Lina was five years, seven months old at the time. When she first started showing her pregnancy, it was believed that she had an abdominal tumor. She was seven months into term before they diagnosed her true condition. As one might expect, the new born was delivered via c-section. Apparently her period came first at 8 months of age, and she had prominently developed breasts at age four (signs of "precocious puberty"). Although her father was initially arrested for rape and incest, and later released for lack of evidence, the biological source of the sperm that impregnated Lina was never identified.

How to spend a pre-holiday Friday night in Pittsburgh.

As one might expect, happenings around town this weekend are limited by the looming holiday. I guess it is assumed that most people will be expending all their energy and money on gift shopping. While I believe that's a fair assumption, it doesn't take into account the sizable minority of the population who have little or no inclination to observe Christmas. Likewise there are a number of folks looking to spend their time in non-traditional ways- such as going out to an art opening and/or seeing a show. Despite the fact that spending time with family is obligatory (for many of us), we should be forgiven for wanting a break from them. Before you write off the coming days as an opportunity to stay in and get drunk by yourself, allow me to make a couple of suggestions for tomorrow evening.

Bob Ziller and August Rolin will host an opening reception for their work at The Beehive on Friday night, from 6-9PM. Ziller has been curating the series of storefronts along Carson Street that make up this coffeehouse for as long as most of us can remember. As a result many artists have gotten their starts exhibiting on Beehive walls. Once in awhile Bob will book an already-established artist who isn't necessarily obsessed with selling his/her work. Although patrons have always been able to purchase artwork from the Hive, many who have shown there see it simply as an opportunity for greater exposure. Perhaps you have a series of pieces that doesn't jive with mainstream commercial intentions. Or maybe you just don't want the pressure of thinking about selling your art as "product". The Beehive is a niche that allows you to primarily focus on presentation and free expression. There's no cost to hang your stuff, and thousands of people will end up seeing it. Bob takes a loose approach to curating the shop, so don't let fears of rejection stop you. If you are looking to bring your work out into the public eye- get in touch with him. I know that now is a great time to get in on the action.

Anyway, Ziller has grabbed the chance to roll out some of his own work. I don't know what he's planning to exhibit, but chances are that it will be thought-provoking and contain a hearty dose of ironic humor. He's never been afraid of taking risks, and he doesn't get hung up in adhering to any particular style or form. Ziller makes conceptual art for the common man... not just for those with an MFA. Meanwhile, August Rolin's work is immediately identifiable as his own. His drawings are illustrative fantasy works depicting all manner of strange, humanoid, mythical beasts. They are vaguely reminiscent of Japanese calligraphy painting, but at the same time they create a visual lexicon that is personally idiosyncratic. Stop in and meet these accomplished creators, and let them know how much you appreciate the venue.

After you are done with the South Side (and given that weekend evenings get extremely irritating in that neighborhood... it shouldn't be an all-nighter), make your way over to the Brillo Box on Penn Avenue (Lawrenceville/Bloomfield). The proprietors have been kind enough to offer up a special treat tomorrow night. Slim Cessna (of Auto Club fame) will be performing with his son George. If you haven't seen Cessna's solo show- you should know that it encapsulates a bit of the magic that you've come to expect from the full band, but has an intimacy that you really can't get among an amped-up crowd of revivalists. It's a bit quieter and a mite slower, and that means you've got a better chance of digesting his message. Some have made the mistake of assuming that Cessna is merely a Christian rock act. In some ways, that couldn't be further from the truth. Not only is the idea reductionist, but also extremely narrow-minded. Still, the only way you are going to know the truth is to see him in person.

So come out an see what is on offer tomorrow. The Anonymous Schizoids and Corn Pone open up for Slim Cessna (and son!), and it all starts at 10 PM for just $5.

Performance Enhancement.

Today I had a delay before work, and had an opportunity to stop on my way and pick up some performance enhancing drugs at the local coffee chain. It's no secret that I am not a morning person. Every person who deals with me during the first half of the day is no doubt effected. I'd love to make caffeine a part of my everyday morning ritual, but unfortunately my digestive system can't bear up under the acid in standardly-brewed coffee. For some reason, espresso doesn't have the same ill effects on my stomach lining. Would that I could process that dark and bitter sludge the convenience stores serve up- that would make a lot of folks very happy. So anyway, there's a little extra treat for those in my presence today.

The whole idea of this legal stimulant makes me think a lot about the current hubbub affecting major league baseball. I wonder what would happen if employers throughout our nation suspended and/or fined their employees for chemically "enhancing" their job performance. I imagine there would probably be a revolution the likes of which our good old forefather Jefferson called for when he talked of the blood that nourishes the tree of liberty. It seems to me rather hypocritical to pick on these multimillionaire heroes basking in the public spotlight. Our society demands extremes- run faster, get stronger, and work harder. Is it really any surprise that professional sports figures look for that extra edge? There is so much (not the least of it huge sums of money) riding on the outcomes of these games.

I think it's important to remember that these contests are games. Yet at the same time, they serve a very crucial role in our particular society. They condition us for war. It may seem flippant to make a comparison between an amusement played with a ball, and the blood-drenched activities of war. Obviously warfare has a greater power to change lives permanently. But our sports obsession grounds young people in the concepts of militarism, and without sports I think it would be more difficult to conduct our special form of international diplomacy. How do we get our populace to understand the idea of "us versus them"? In what ways can we illuminate the importance of victory for its own sake and at any cost... or for no discernible purpose at all? For such answers- simply attend a high school football game on Friday night, or go over to your friend's house on any Sunday during Autumn or Winter.

Clearly then, if winning is the important thing... we must do everything we can to meet that goal. There used to be something called "good sportsmanship", which included elaborate structures and the threat of peer disapproval as a response to violations of this informal code. There also (not coincidentally) used to be "rules of engagement" in war. The time when "will to power" was tempered by such attitudes is long gone. The tragedies of the Twentieth Century made them obsolete. We have finally and completely accepted "total war", and this means the only acceptable outcome is victory at any cost. Try suggesting that our soldiers should limit their means for winning on the battlefield- you will risk being called a defeatist, or even worse- a traitor.

Given the current state of things- when I heard President Bush's comments on the George Mitchell report concerning doping among baseball players, I was appalled by the (admittedly customary) hypocrisy. Dubya's actions in the War on Terror have not been mitigated by international law nor the guarantees of the Bill of Rights. He will go to any lengths to achieve his objectives (whatever they may actually be). If you think the US military would stop short of administering performance-enhancing drugs to our armed forces, then you are hopelessly naive. I know that the latest revelations about athletes "cheating" with steroids sets a bad example for our children, but there is nothing novel about this in the world of sports today... nor in the sphere of actual militarism. Of course (as usual) the mainstream media has missed the "real story". Our sports are a reflection of our nation's values, and unfortunately this entire controversy is woefully consistent with our times.