The City Of Brotherly Love.

Walking around Philadelphia yesterday it struck me just how much an environment can leave its imprint on people. The inspiration for this thought was the amount of ugly people on the streets of the "City of Brotherly Love". I do realize that this sounds awful. It's not a politically correct observation to make. Perhaps I feel entitled to make this judgment since I am no superstar in the looks department myself, and because I grew up damn near Philly. But the fact remains... there are legions of unattractive folks running around that city. And I'd say it makes a lot of sense that it should be that way, since its inhabitants are surrounded by such an unlovely setting. Have you ever been there? If not, maybe you should reserve judgment.

When I first announced my decision to move to the 'Burgh,the most common reaction I got was bewilderment. The populace of Eastern Pennsylvania has a collection of very skewed notions about Western Pennsylvania. I guess in their minds they imagine a cross between a post-industrial apocalyptic wasteland and a scene out of Deliverance. In their collective mind's eye, they saw Pittsburgh's citizens as toothless rednecks with the grime of the steel mills forever caking their skins. They pictured rivers on fire, and lines outside of soup kitchens. And naturally everyone was running around with goofy foam Steeler hats (well, of course that one just happens to be an accurate depiction).

Meanwhile I found Pittsburgh to be much more beautiful than anywhere in the Northeast. The rivers are clean, there is an abundance of interesting architecture, and the mountains and bridges form postcard-quality views in almost every neighborhood. The garbage men don't go on strike, and there's not much litter. Indeed there are some individuals who look like they stepped out of the 70's, but they move slow enough to be mistaken for your garden variety zombies- simply step around them and on to your destination. The reality is that Pittsburgh is yours for the taking. It's not jam-packed with human vermin trying to claw their way to the top of the social heap by way of your bent back.

In considering the general unsightliness of much of Philadelphia, one has to acknowledge the demeanor of Philadelphians. The place is corrupt, congested, and unclean. Living in such an atmosphere has to take a toll on people. That's likely why many of these urban dwellers get that pinched and sour look so permanently affixed to their skulls. They are always on the very brink of falling into the vast mire of their city. One stutter-step could make them lose their footing, and they'd be in the prone position in a dirty gutter, sleeping in their own piss. In order to avoid such a fate, they are at any time only a second away from planting their knives into the backs of their fellows.

All this should be kept in mind when visiting Philly. It's not an especially welcoming town. They don't want tourists because they don't need another body to push aside. Don't make eye contact. Don't try to make idle conversation. Don't ask for directions from anyone not acting in an official capacity. Don't make the mistake of asking a cop for help. Exhaustive planning before your visit will benefit you greatly. Get in, do your business, and get out. There are good reasons to go (cheese steaks, the Flyers, a robust and quality art scene, etc.), but Filthadelphia constitutes about 75% of the total area. And remember... the natives don't stay in place, but freely roam. Just because you are in the "good" 25% doesn't mean you are safe.

Philadelphia Freeedom, Fraternity and Freaks.

We have found our way, baby in tow, into the breach. We're not trying anything exotic, but rather visiting relatives. Yet we are indeed hours from home. The anxiety that we had about a long road trip with a six-month-old kid turned out to be only partially justified. It's absolutely true that babies will cry. There's no getting around it. At the same time it is also the case that riding in a moving vehicle can calm an infant, as the sensation resonates with memories of prenatal life. Perhaps that explains the fact that I often slip into a deep drowsiness when I drive. Anyway, when all was said and done we only had to put up with about half an hour of sustained crying. We did (of course) spend much more time at rest stops.

Arriving safely and sanely at our destination was a small victory. The next objective was planning for a day or two of activities that might suggest vacation-like conditions. That's not particularly easy to do in the Lehigh Valley. However, this area benefits from its proximity to more interesting locales. I quickly identified Philadelphia as a worthy destination. This morning we packed Baby E., his stuffed entourage, and his accessories into the car, and made the hour and fifteen minute drive south. Our guide was adept and we arrived at our first stop with little difficulty. I had decided that I'd like to visit the Grand Lodge of the PA Freemasons, of which Benjamin Franklin was a charter member.

Not surprisingly this frat house is located only steps away from City Hall. It would present an impressive facade if it wasn't currently obstructed by sidewalk-to-sky scaffolding. The innards are a wonder to behold. There are a series of increasingly larger and more ornate meeting rooms where the 42 chapters in the region gather to look important and tweak their plots to control the world. There are waterproof altars above troughs where the spilled blood of virgins can collect at the feet of the brethren. There is also a force of half-beast, half human slaves that await their masters every order. Just kidding... but there is a cloak room that served conveniently as a place for M. to breast feed Baby E. in peace and privacy.

Our second site of interest was Eastern Penitentiary, a large and relatively ancient prison that once held notorious criminals like Willie Sutton and Al Capone. I had wanted to visit in order to collect images of the deterioration of the buildings and grounds. Compared to the prison in Moundsville, WV and the reformatory in Mansfield, OH, this facility was like a museum. Portions of it have been restored, and other areas have been utilized for a Halloween haunted-walk-through and art installations. There's a helpful audio tour with Steve Buscemi, but I didn't listen to much of it. It only took me about an hour and ten minutes to stroll the sections that are open to the public- and I would have been done a lot quicker had I not been taking photos.

To cap off the day, I finally made my pilgrimage to the Mütter Museum at the College of Physicians of Philadelphia. For those of you who are unaware of this odd little museum- it's chock full of human abnormalities and wax models of victims with horrendous diseases. The collection was first put on display after Thomas Dent Mütter, retired Professor of Surgery at Jefferson Medical College, donated it to the CPP. Its highlights include a plaster cast of Chang and Eng Bunker (history's most famous Siamese Twins), a huge presentation of human skulls, the tallest skeleton on exhibit in America, a handful of authentic shrunken heads, and a freakishly huge distended and constipated colon. Good stuff... eat right before you go for maximized enjoyment. But don't bring your camera because you aren't allowed to use it.