The Faithful, The Damned, and The Hip.

Are you stumped about what to get that idiosyncratic relative for the holidays? Do you know someone who has everything, and therefore leaves you puzzling over an appropriate gift every year? Maybe you should consider the spirit of the season and buy a bible. Sure, it's likely that everyone who wants one already has his/her needs covered. But how about the folks who have never seen the need? Remember, this famous book isn't just about personal faith, but also about lifestyle, politics, and history. You wouldn't be the first person in America to believe that the Bible is irrelevant, only to find that it snuck up behind you and bit your ass. Its words lurk in some truly odd places, including courthouses throughout the Deep South.

Why should you be the one person taken by surprise when the holy word rears its awesome head? Perhaps you've tried and cannot find any personal connection to it. After all, it was ostensibly written a couple thousand years ago (more or less). Who's to say that it isn't completely outdated? It could be that you've already tried to read it, and got stuck in that infamous early section where it starts tracing the lineage from Adam and Eve. That's understandable. Only a fanatic would be compelled to keep scanning those lines. In today's world, it seems that we only have time to devote to pursuits that directly affect us, or we're simply looking for mindless escapism. What's a truth seeker to do?

Fortunately for us modern sophisticates, others have anticipated our difficulty relating to the Old and New Testaments. King James got the ball rolling for many a contemporary reader, and other sects have since published their own versions. I've heard that you can even find an edition written in inner city slang. And why not? In this day and age you have to consider marketing demographics. Take for instance The Green Bible. After a hard day pounding metal chips into trees in our great forests, or ripping apart those plastic rings that hold together our six packs of Pabst, some among us may feel the need for some spiritual sustenance. But we want it in our language. Thus the need for an environmentally aware scripture.

The folks responsible for The Green Bible put it quite succinctly- "With over 1,000 references to the earth in the Bible, compared to 490 references to heaven and 530 references to love, the Bible carries a powerful message for the earth." After all, it is a numbers game, isn't it? This effort is dedicated to facilitating the growing "creation care" segment of evangelicals. Its editors have taken the helpful measure of highlighting (in green) the passages that may tie into environmentalism. While it may seem like an invitation to strange bedfellows, I'm happy to see publishers branch out. Anymore, one need not be a pagan to care about the biosystem. If you're not going to turn to science, what other options do you have?

And then there's Dag Söderberg, "project leader" for the glossy Swedish periodical, “Bible Illuminated, Gamla Testament: The Book.” He's created a magazine, aimed at the masses who are more likely to flip through a monthly left lying open on the coffee table. Söderberg and company have "sexed up" the Bible, breaking it up into easily-digested parts, and placing provocative images throughout. Luckily for those of us who are constrained to the English language, there are plans for a translation. There's even going to be a sequel... the New Testament is due to come out soon as well. Who says hipsters can't get down with the Holy Spirit? The Bible is not just for hypocritical fundamentalists anymore!

Neither Cold Nor Hot Am I.

I can't say that I am a particularly-informed student of the Bible. Like many other dispassionate readers, I've always had trouble following through in my intentions to read the thing cover-to-cover. I guess it's a bit of a cliché to have been stymied by the "Jehosaphat begat Jeremiah and Jeremiah begat Titus and Titus begat Lulu and Lulu begat Lil' Kim... and on and on, ad infinitum"-chapter that seems to have been created merely to test the faith of anyone seeking to encounter the Holy Word firsthand. But in my case, it is honest-to-God true. I realize that section's role in helping the faithful determine the actual age of the Earth, but I do think it lacks spice. How is it that the original author (ostensibly the Great Father) never familiarized himself with the concept of footnotes?

You see, if you end up getting stuck in that genealogical no man's land, it's easy to believe that the Great Book is as lively as a driver's training manual. However, that's not the case at all. In my limited experience I have found there to be a bounty of provocative and perplexing nuggets hidden within the Holy Scriptures. I have to admit that I became aware of the bulk of them by passing the countless pre-fab evangelical houses of worship that dot the landscape and advertise daunting Biblical quotes on letter boards. Like anyone else, I have collected my personal favorites. They are particularly interesting in their state of being presented completely without context, like Zen koans.

One little passage that has endeared itself to me is Revelations 3:15-16. It reads, "3:15 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. 3:16 So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. " Don't get distracted by the outdated spellings and syntax. Indeed these words hold an inordinate amount of relevance in our modern age. Aside from the understandable reservations one might have about being placed in Jehovah's mouth, the expressed sentiment should give one pause. What exactly is being suggested? Again, I am by no means a Biblical scholar, but it is reasonable to draw certain elementary conclusions.

A brief internet search led me to this site that attempts to explain Revelations 3:15-16. It basically says that God prefers to eat his followers and deniers at extreme temperatures. Obviously He prefers that adherents be hot with passion for him. Those with fervid zeal are the most beloved. True disciples must burn with devotion. On the other hand, those who are cold freely acknowledge their lack of faith. Everyone knows where they stand- for they represent the "them"... the non-believers and secularists. They are especially convenient for the missionaries, as they make it clear where their efforts are most needed, and where the fires need to be lit. They will either be baked to the Lord's taste, or await the eternal scaldings of Hell.

And that leaves us with the "lukewarm". In God's eyes these are the double-dealers, capable of tepid support or overt treason. They have dared to form a nuanced version of belief that threatens to call into question the blind loyalty of the converted. In this view, it is better to embrace overt denial and declare yourself an enemy than to question divine authority. The "lukewarm" are the bane of fundamentalist existence. As I mentioned previously, this is an especially timely concept. Try to engage a "true believer", whether in the realm of politics, economics, or religion, and you'll see the obvious parallels. This is a black-and-white society that abhors shades of gray. God help those who refuse to take sides.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous."

As I was driving into work the other day I made a point of checking out the quote on the road sign in front of the prefabricated metal Baptist Church that I have to pass every morning. It read, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous." One can only assume that the warning is continued for opposing traffic. I guess I could make a point of checking it out, but I'm fairly sure of what it says on the other side. These people are eminently predictable. The quote is from Psalm 34:19. It reads:

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."

First of all, I'm not a real big fan of philosophical and/or spiritual soundbytes. Any idea winnowed down enough to be represented by a series of interchangeable plastic letters is probably too generalized to be of much use. The second thing that bothers me about this is the assumed authority of the source. Just because a group of people believe that their god dictated these words, does not make them special to anyone else. Yet they are being thrust into our consciousness- along with the ubiquitous pleas to consume, the political brainwashing, and a multitude of other control mechanisms disguised as helpful information.

But I struggle to get past these initial objections- just so I can objectively parse this specific message. What meaning lies behind these words? If I restrict my examination to just what I've seen, without assuming the quote's completion... the interpretation is easier. The "righteous" are afflicted. I can agree with that. People who revel in their own beliefs, considering themselves and their opinions unassailable, suffer under the weight of their own ego. How do I know this? I have sometimes lapsed into a condition of self-righteousness, and in the process I have shamed myself.

But I know there are others with a more virulent case than mine. There are some that don't even know that they are afflicted. Instead of realizing their hubris for what it is, they walk through life mistaking a disease for empowerment. They feel vested by a higher authority to have things their own way. And it's not enough to contain their beliefs to themselves, but they feel compelled to impose them on everybody else. Other symptoms too may arise from being "righteous". Those suffering from this malady have used it to justify their greed, violence, selfishness, condemnation, intolerance, and repression. Given this formidable list- it may actually be an understatement to say that the righteous suffer many afflictions. Are they therefore to be pitied? Well... not exactly.

Surely some among the righteous can take heart if they consider the entirety of Psalm 34. Because despite the pain and suffering the righteous may visit upon others, "the Lord" is said to be available to deliver them from their afflictions (or from the consequences of their afflictions?). This seems like a pretty good deal. Under those conditions,who wouldn't want to be among the "righteous"? Of course, this is all predicated upon the assumption that "the Lord" is planning to deliver the righteous to a nice place, like... for instance... heaven. There they will find streets paved with gold (and evidently more road signs with cool messages), and angels flying around. The rub is that the righteous will cease to be "righteous", because they will have no one there to look down upon anymore. They'll have to peer back at us mere Earth-dwellers. No matter... at least there will be more prefab metal available here on Earth..