Saturday, November 11, 2006

Infernal Devices and Priestly Remediation.

Today I entered the surreal wonderland of broken-down mechanics and technical difficulties. A couple of weeks ago we noticed that our water heater was leaking. As we are wont to do, we decided to hope that it was some wholly natural and beneficial process- some purging of bad water expelled from the machine by its healthy immune system. Sadly this wasn't the case. After a few weeks of wringing our hands and hoping for divine intervention, we decided to take corrective measures. I did a thorough survey of everyone I know who falls under the general category of "handy resources". These are my friends who seem to have advanced beyond the practical abilities of a typical medieval peasant.

After I concluded the information-gathering phase of the process, I went ahead and called "Mr. Waterheater". Their response time was astonishing. They came out two and a half hours after I made my initial contact, and within an additional hour we had a functional device capable of increasing the temperature of... um... water. Amazing, right?

I didn't have much of an opportunity to bask in my new condition. Barely five minutes after Mr. Waterheater's representative left, I found myself in another predicament. I needed to burn two discs worth of digital images, and the CD tray failed to remain closed after I made the first one. It would pause, consider following my order, and stick out its tongue at me. Its defiance rattled me, and I tried several wholly ineffective measures to assert my authority. My typical strategy intitially is repetition. I continued to push the CD tray in again and again, hoping each time that I had worn down the machine's resistance. When this didn't work, I tried restarting the computer several times. Finally I began banging the sides and top of the unit with restraint and controlled force. This rarely works with inanimate objects, and this occasion proved no exception.

So now I turned to those of my friends who occupy the postmodern priest class. They negotiate spiritual contracts in Windows and DOS. As one would expect, they are constantly communing with networks of computers. At first they tried to pass me off to the automated software fixes available on the internet. But I was in need of special dispensation and I pressed for it. It seems that they have a holy oath to put their own pursuits aside for those in desperate need. I was instructed to remove the outer surface of my DELL and disconnect and reconnect several vital arteries. I was hesitant to do this without proper supervision. I made several lame excuses revolving around my haplessness, but they persisted. I followed the instructions quite carefully, and hoped for the best. Somehow it worked. All I did was to sever and reattach two cords. Beyond all rationality, this fix worked. I have unbounded awe and respect for those who interceded on my behalf. I know now that there is truth in majick. Turn about your skepticism and embrace the faith.

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