Friday, August 15, 2008

Bigfoot Found in Southern Freezer!

Y'know, I think it might be worthwhile to take a few minutes and clear up a matter of increasing confusion. Many people who know me appear to be under a mistaken impression, and in the interest of frank exposition, I feel I should set them straight. Just because I attended a Bigfoot Convention a few years back does not mean I am a true believer. It doesn't even mean that I am convinced of the possibility that this large hairy humanoid creature exists. Furthermore, when I wear my t-shirt advertising the PA Bigfoot Society, I'm not trying to reinforce any particular position. This animal may or may not be stalking our backwoods. I've never seen one myself, so it would be disingenuous for me to attempt to claim any authority on the matter.

I guess wearing the shirt has contributed to the perception that I am some kind of fanatic on the topic. Perhaps I resemble a number of distinguished cryptozoologists. But the truth is that I have no more affinity for Bigfoot than I do for Chupacabra, the Jersey Devil, or the Loch Ness Monster. I love the possibility of them equally. Yet I've been singled out by a number of my friends. I have received a plethora of e-mail messages linking to the latest news regarding a correctional officer and a cop who claim to have discovered the corpse of a Bigfoot. Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton reportedly stumbled on their find while on a hunting trip in Georgia some time ago. They tried to garner press attention immediately after, but were unsuccessful.

Now Whitton and Dyer have hooked up with Tom Biscardi and Searching for Bigfoot. Biscardi is a former Las Vegas promoter who has appeared as an "expert" with George Noory on Coast to Coast. He knows his audience and he's rolled out such finds before, only to later admit that he had been scammed. Still he plunges on, organizing expeditions to trap and capture a live Bigfoot in Northern California. He's been doing this since 1971, inspired by a 1967 viewing of the infamous Roger Patterson footage on the Johnny Carson show. Regardless of how much skepticism he inspires, his attitude seems irrepressible. I found the following Biscardi quote on his web page:

"There are two types of people, one finds a way,... one finds an excuse. I am the type of person who goes over, under, and around or through any obstacle that stands in my way!!! I can.. I will... I am going to!!! When the going gets tough, the tough get going! Every day and every way by the grace of God I am getting better and better!! I feel happy... I feel healthy... I feel terrific! After all, the mark of a person is not how far he runs from his problems, but how well he meets, faces and deals with those problems. That is truly the mark of a real human being. I can... I will... and I am going to succeed today!!!"

In the face of such enthusiasm, can we really afford to doubt such a man? After all, he has at least 5 confirmed sightings of Bigfoot to his credit. And he seems to be taking Whitton and Dyer pretty seriously. We can only imagine what his thoughts were when the erstwhile adventurers opened their outdoor freezer to expose the hulking carcass of a (decapitated?) 7 foot, 7 inch monster. Maybe he felt that his forbearance in the face of mockery and derision had finally paid off. Or perhaps columns of figures representing potential profits from the find ran through his head. Either way Biscardi and company promise that they will be presenting the results of DNA analysis soon. They've got several Russian scientists working on the case as I write. Long live the legend!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry. I will never send you another email regarding Bigfoot as long as I live.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Merge Divide said...

Aw now... that would be a shame, really. I had to introduce the topic somehow, right? Have a heart.

12:00 AM  

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