Who is "The Problem"?

It seems everyone has someone in their life on to whom they can project their own difficulties and/or insecurities. Everyone has a tragic tale of a friend or relative that is consistently making bad decisions or exhibiting "bad" behavior. There's the uncle who can't stop drinking... the spouse with a lousy temper... the friend who falls in love with sociopaths... or the sibling who is always out of cash. Rarer perhaps is the individual that sees themselves as the source of someone else's problem. But of course that can't be the reality. Because in every difficult relationship there is both a long-suffering subject and an irresponsible object. Most likely you have occupied both positions throughout your life, often without even being aware of it.

Part of the reason this dynamic exists is perception. When does someone else become your "problem"? What is your role in assuming responsibility for any given situation? Ultimately we all have some manner of choice when it comes to the people we choose to spend our time with. The main exception to this rule is the child/parent relationship. Once you declare a dependent, you are obviously accountable to him/her. But otherwise, you pick those whom you allow into your life. I've heard arguments that other immediate family members are also beyond one's discretion. That's not a particularly convincing argument, as far as I'm concerned. I've known many incidences of siblings who have no contact with each other. I'm also aware of grown children who have cut off their relationship with one or both parents.

There's always a balance sheet when two people form a relationship. The accounting may be done consciously or subconsciously. For better or worse, there is always an assessment of utility between people. Some are givers by personality, and others are takers. I agree with the conventional wisdom that we always seek our match. Do the people you surround yourself with exhibit common traits of personality? There is probably a reason for that, and it likely resides in yourself. Are you prone to drawing broad generalizations about people? Perhaps these are the results of projections of parts of your own personality/philosophy. I've seen that this has often been the case with myself. I have found it useful to strive for awareness and insight regarding what I see in other people. Often I find my own reflection in my opinions of others.

We all have our own unique set of characteristics and beliefs about the world. When we find ourselves carrying the weight of "other people's problems", we owe it to ourselves to figure out why we are doing it. There are justifiable reasons for doing so. But if we develop relationships blindly, then we are merely acting out pre-programmed scripts that have to do more with our own selves than any reality about others. I've been accused of "thinking too much". People have assumed that I am cold, arrogant and/or depressed. Friends and family have occasionally formed and expressed all manner of assessments about me. Instead of becoming reactionary or defensive, I strive (often unsuccessfully) to understand what it is about the individual that makes him/her form whatever particular judgment is being directed toward me. Often these opinions are made up largely of projection, and can be used as tools for learning how to better interact with others. I believe that you can learn a lot about people by listening closely for cues that can help expose their emotional and analytical worldviews.

So much of these processes occur on the level of intuition. Human beings are social creatures, and have been evolving for tens of thousands of years. The ways we interact with others when we are not consciously forming these interactions are not random. They can be effected by memory, survival instincts, sensory input, or subconscious personal preferences. It's too convenient to let ourselves off the hook, and ignore our role in the shaping of both intense and casual relationships with other people. Ultimately we are responsible for the way we think and behave, and we are accountable for the consequences of the choices we make- even if we aren't paying close attention. It's tempting to attribute the blame elsewhere, but doing so is to commit a disservice to ourselves and others. We grow when we realize the quality of contributions we are making in any social situation.